A Change of Heart

It’s different. It’s all going to be different.

Conan Doyle went out the easy way and had John forgive Sherlock the moment he woke up from his first and only faint. Tell me this. What sort of friend, at the reveal of his best friend’s still-alive status, would just faint, without cursing, punching and bringing some bruises up that bastard’s face for leaving you to suffer, for leaving you in terrible pain and guilt for THREE YEARS? Does John really fit in the pattern of the damsel reaction?

Heck no. He survived the war! Obviously not.

And Sherlock knows it too.

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Whoever came with the rumor that the scenes are not from the movie needs to faint a bit. Even thought special footage can be shot for trailers, all those scenes fit perfectly in the film. The atmosphere is too well created to be just a made-up scene. Every actor moves within their character perfectly within a context. I don’t know what will happen next from now on, but all those scenes will probably make up some important pieces of the first episode.

But there’s no sense in supposing when the release is so close, I can almost taste it. Only a few months left, darlings, we’re still doing great. We can tell nothing from the scenes…

Other than the fact that Mycroft knew that Sherlock wasn’t dead, that Molly will be startled, but angry, that Mrs. Hudson is receiving a guest that is not Sherlock, that Lestrade meets somebody in a car park related to a murder and that John is getting ready for a date with Mary. One in which he will propose.

But then comes Sherlock.

He leaves his coat at the entrance and the restaurant boys open the doors. John has no clue, he knows of nothing at all. But Sherlock walks and sees him.

And it all comes rushing back.

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In his eyes, there is no more flamboyance, no more showing off. The years that he had to spend away from John and all the people he had considered close roughened him. He lost touch with what it means to love and be appreciated as a man and not as a detective.

So that now, when he is so close to everything, when he is so close to getting his life back, his friend back, his joy and motivation and himself, his name, his existence back… He is afraid. In a way different from when he was getting ready to kill himself.

He is afraid of going back. He is afraid of John.

Because he understands too well what he had forced upon him.

After 18 months with Sherlock, the military doctor was feeling at the height of his life. Everything was different, the pain and the loss he had suffered during the war had diminished and he had found a man to keep him at the top of his wits and powers. Nothing was boring, everything was new. Each day was special and he had a special mad man to share it with. Say what you will, Johnlock shippers, but Sherlock saved John’s life.

He gave him something to live for. A case. The excitement. The jokes. The unexpected.

Himself.

photo 2 (2)And Sherlock saw that his death killed John too. He saw him running to check his pulse, he saw the sheer sadness in his eyes when he felt no beat. He watched him break down and cry at his grave. The guilt of pushing John into depression once again, the guilt of making Lestrade feel guilty of his suicide, the guilt over all the pain that he has left behind, it all rushed over him. In those few seconds, he remembered and it all collapsed.

He may try to outlive God to have the last word, but he outlived himself. And he was left speechless.

John had moved on.

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He had a girlfriend and in a few glimpses, Sherlock had definitely read that the relationship was serious, that he was going to propose, everything he needed to know about Mary and John’s lifestyle. He’s Sherlock, he knew it immediately. That triggered the insecurity. What should he say? What could he say?

Everybody had moved on. His death had passed. The marks remained, but their lived went on. Except his. He had died in his fake suicide. Sherlock Holmes had died in disgrace and only a consulting detective with no name remained. What was he? What did he have to do to start it all over? To move on? To become a real person again?

His look says I. Don’t. Know.

And for the first time in his life, Sherlock Holmes stopped knowing what to do.

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2 thoughts on “A Change of Heart

  1. Pingback: The Beacons of Tomorrow | Sherlockian Mind

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